SEC Weekend Wrap-Up: Crimes and Misdemeanors in Saturday’s Action

OXFORD, Miss. – Saturday in the Southeastern Conference was simply criminal.

Some of the transgressions were worthy of the death penalty, while others would demand a long prison sentence, and others just probation for being misdemeanors.

Here is the court’s docket after Saturday’s games — and, yes, these are all in jest…with the exception of the account of the Tennessee player who punched his opponent several times during the game in Knoxville. That really happened.

PREMEDITATED MURDER

Georgia 48, South Carolina 7. After ascending to the top spot in the polls, Georgia knew it needed a cutthroat effort against the Gamecocks. What the Bulldogs did was take Carolina into a swamp and Tony Soprano-style popped a cap into them. 

Georgia QB Stetson Bennett threw for 284 yards and ran for a game-high 36. If head coach Kirby Smart is the Don of this Bulldog family, Bennett is definitely the Capo. 

Carolina’s Spencer Rattler could also be indicted for criminal impersonation of an SEC quarterback and the SC crowd is guilty of abandonment after leaving the stadium soon after the second-half kickoff.

Alabama 63, Louisiana-Monroe 7. Bama was in a shootout last week with Texas, so this week the Tide set up an ambush not seen since Sonny bought it in the toll booth in the first Godfather flick. 

Bryce Young pulled the trigger with 236 yards through the air and then turned it over to his lieutenants in the backfield who ran for 273. The Warhawks’ remains may never be recovered in Tuscaloosa.

INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER

Kentucky 31, Youngstown State 0. Sure, the Penguins were killed in Lexington, but Kentucky did not mean it to be so violent. After all, Wildcats’ coach Mark Stoops is a native of the Ohio town. Still, Will Levis sliced up YSU to the tune of 377 yards. However, Kentucky was guilty of indecent exposure: the Wildcats let everyone see their running game deserves probation after the Penguins racked up ten tackles for loss.

AGGRAVATED ASSAULT

Tennessee 63, Akron 6. Officer, the Volunteers did not mean to hit the Zips this hard…or did they? Tennessee wide receiver Jimmy Calloway was ejected Saturday night after throwing multiple punches at Akron’s Tyson Durant on national television. We should note that Durant, himself, was penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct on the play, too.

From earlier: Tennessee WR Jimmy Calloway got ejected for punching an Akron player (with a helmet on 😂😂😂)

LMAO @ the finger wag at the end pic.twitter.com/jiJ7H1r774

— 𝗙𝗢𝗟𝗟𝗢𝗪 @𝗙𝗧𝗕𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗱𝟳 (@FTBeard7) September 18, 2022

Speaking of throwing, Tennessee’s Hendon Hooker threw for 298 yards and Joe Milton added 112. And while the Zips were down, Tennessee ran for 238. All told, Akron had to absorb 676 yards. UT scored just 14 points in each of three quarters and 21 in the other. 

HIT AND RUN

Ole Miss 42, Georgia Tech 0. Actually, this one was hit and run and run and run – the Rebels’ defense hit and the offense ran. 

Quarterback Jaxson Dart put a hit on a Georgia Tech defender and the poor guy may still be unaware of where or who he is. 

Jaxson Dart steamrolling GT. 💪🏼 pic.twitter.com/oaSNS2pRlu

— The Rebel Walk (@TheRebelWalk) September 17, 2022

The Ole Miss rushing attack ransacked Grant Field to the tune of 316 yards as four runners averaged more than five yards per carry. The Rebels’ defense could be under investigation for assault as it kept a stranglehold on Georgia Tech all day. In three games this season, the Rebs have surrendered just 13 points.

FILING A FALSE REPORT

Vanderbilt 38, Northern Illinois 28. Vandy had told the authorities it had this one in the bag before the game started. But that claim was false as the Commodores fell behind 21-14 at halftime. 

The lawmen let them get away with a warning as Vandy scored 21 in the third quarter to pull away. The Commodores did not get out unscathed. As soon as they thought they were in the clear, they figured out there are only SEC opponents the rest of the way. A few months in the pokey may have been kinder.

ARSON

Penn State 41, Auburn 12. The Nittany Lions invaded Auburn’s house and burned Jordan-Hare Stadium to the ground. 

Penn State running back Nicholas Singleton’s 124 yards on the ground spread gasoline all over the place and Sean Clifford’s 14-of-17 passing performance threw matches all over the place. Even more, the Penn State defense obstructed the fire trucks from getting to the scene by allowing just 52 yards on the ground.

HARASSMENT

Missouri 34, Abilene Christian 17. Missouri did not beat up on Abilene Christian, the Tigers just sort of verbally abused the Wildcats in public. The closest Missouri came to an actual punch was a punt return touchdown. 

Brady Cook did throw for 292 yards for Mizzou, but the leading rusher came from Abilene in the form of Jeremiah Dobbins. If there was a crime here, Missouri would have been released on its own recognizance.

A BAR FIGHT THAT TURNED INTO SIMPLE ASSAULT

LSU 31, Mississippi State 16. This game was something of a shoving match, similar to one you might find in a bar on a weekend night in any Southeastern Conference town. Mississippi State’s Will Rogers held the advantage for a good part of the night. But then LSU QB Jayden Daniels’ buddies stepped in to help out in the fourth quarter of the fight. 

The LSU defense did sack Rogers four times and harassed him all night. That allowed the Tigers to score 21 fourth-quarter points. On the bright side for State, Rogers was battered enough the district attorney decided not to press charges against the Starkville boys as they had suffered enough.

A FAMILY DISPUTE

Arkansas 38, Missouri State 27. The ex came back into town and trouble ensued until the cops came. 

Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino came back to Fayetteville and tried to start some stuff with the former in-laws. Arkansas wasn’t having any of it and Petrino left the way he did after the initial breakup, beaten and bloodied. 

KJ Jefferson beat the Bears like they talked about his mother, throwing for 385 yards and Raheim Sanders kicked Petrino off the front porch with 167 yards on the ground.

Florida 31, South Florida 28. A couple of cousins got into it, but before the cops were summoned, they kissed and made up. The bigger one, Florida, took some shots from the little one as South Florida missed a field goal in the final seconds, or this could have turned into felonies for both sides. 

Anthony Richardson was taken down a few pegs by the underdogs, throwing for just 112 yards and being picked off twice by the Bulls. Brian Battle and Gerry Bohanon each ran for over 100 yards for the Bulls. After this was over, they agreed to stay away from one another – they don’t play again until 2025.

IDENTITY THEFT

Texas A&M 17, Miami 9. Last week, Texas A&M got beaten at home by Appalachian State, with the Mountaineers stealing the Aggies’ Top 10 identity. This Saturday, Miami came into Kyle Field at 2-0 and looked as if it was starting to roll. But the Aggies regained their tough persona Saturday night, and Miami looked like the team that was reeling. 

The A&M defense held Miami to just three field goals even though the Hurricanes out-gained the home team, 392-264. 

Speaking of identity theft, Max Johnson swiped the starting quarterback job in College Station from Haynes King. Johnson was only 10-for-20, but he took care of the football and that is enough to entrench him in the role.