Editor’s note: The following piece is satire. It does not reflect the actual opinions of The Rebel Walk, Matt Barnthouse, or anybody in a right state of mind. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Ole Miss won’t take the field this weekend, so now is as good of a time as ever to catch up on your favorite yellow family on Disney+. You may end up seeing a little of each SEC school in some of the characters.
Here is a quick rundown:
Mr. Burns runs Springfield the same way Saban rules the SEC: With an iron fist. While many try to take down the powers that be, at the end of the day, only one team can claim the throne. More times than not, that is Alabama.
Release the Tide.
I cannot put my finger on why I always picture Auburn as a “mom” school, but I do. Marge Simpson is the ultimate “TV mom,” and fits the bill for the Auburn Tigers.
When I think of an “Auburn” household, I think of a solidly middle class family with a rockin’ 401(k), sweatervest, khakis, and the finest fitted sheets known to man. Auburn screams “middle class fancy” to me, and Marge embodies that spirit like the Auburn Tiger she is.
If Auburn is the mild-mannered, pleasant neighbor that makes you cookies, then Arkansas is the brother-in-law that takes his shirt off at karaoke night after one too many drinks. Loud, boisterous: The Razorbacks know how to have a good time. Win? They have their moments. Good, obnoxious times? Every single week, baby.
When you visit Fat Tony, he will treat you like family… unless you cross him. Do not cross Fat Tony. He will beat you in a way that makes you feel dirty. LSU will draw you in with their corn dogs and gumbo, but the minute you cross them? Watch out for your “neck.”
Comic Book Guy
Say anything bad about Mississippi State online, and Egg Bowl twitter will be in your mentions telling you WHY YOU ARE WRONG AND WHY YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. The minute you do anything out of the ordinary, bet your life there is a thread on “EliteDawgs” detailing your every move, and why it’s a conspiracy to take down StarkVegas.
Is Moe in every episode of the Simpsons? No. Does he have his shining moments? Yes. When Moe shines, he shines brightly and always brings the drinks. His highs are high, and his lows are low. Ole Miss may not sit at the top of the SEC every year, but they always entertain. Like Ole Miss, Moe will never let you leave without a drink (or seven).
The Rich Texan
WHOOOOOOOP BIG CONTRACTS!!!! WHOOOOOP HIGH POWERED OFFENSE!!! WHOOOOOP MONEY IS JUST A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT!!! LET’S THROW GREEN AT ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS AND HOPE THEY GO AWAY!!!
Much like Maggie, Kentucky does not talk much. However, if you underestimate the Wildcats, they can beat you on any given Saturday. Kentucky is a walking “upset alert.” It’s best if you don’t underestimate the Cats in Lexington on a cool October night.
Much like Vanderbilt, Lisa Simpson is smart, pretentious, and loses a lot of football games. If you go to Vanderbilt, you go there because you plan on going pro in something other than sports. If you cannot exist without receiving constant praise about how smart you are and can afford the $52,000 tuition, you may end up a Commodore!
Principal Seymour Skinner
When I think of South Carolina, I think of “Middle Management.” Are they smart? Yes. Do they have any real power, function, or personality? Probably not. South Carolina exists! They occasionally play football! Seymour Skinner exists! He still lives with his mom and does everything in his power to please Superintendent Chalmers instead of taking the reigns of his life and trying to make something for himself.
South Carolina: Yes, they exist!
Bart Simpson is in your face, unrefined, stunningly popular, and wears the finest Jorts on this side of the Mississippi. Bart has no pretentions, and neither does Florida. They don’t pretend to be high society, but they also will probably beat you on Saturdays regardless of how it is done.
Troy McClure is a washed-up actor trying to reclaim former glory, and Tennessee is a program that hasn’t seen sustained success in decades, always chasing the ghosts of conquers past. Perhaps embracing the present is the only way to move forward, but the temptation is always there.
“Hi, I’m Tennessee Volunteers football, and you might remember me from conversations such as “the time we had Peyton Manning” and “let’s bring up 1998 again!”
Waylon Smithers wants nothing more than for Mr. Burns to value him and tell him how good of a job he is doing. Georgia wants nothing more but to be Alabama and be told how great of a job they are doing. They want to be Alabama SO BAD.
Milhouse Van Houten
There is nothing inherently *wrong* with Milhouse. He is fine. However, he seems like a fish out of water in social settings, much like Missouri is in the social context of the SEC. Will they compete? Yes. Will their culture ever feel like a traditional SEC culture? Probably not.
Did you like these picks? Do you think they are terrible? Sound off your opinions in the comment section below.